What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 23:45
We were not on the streets..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I will be 64.
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I don,t even have a pension.
But it wasn’t much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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I have no regrets .
I waited trembling.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My life is so biszare .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She found it foreign!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I said to her
Do you find Anushka Sen attractive?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He resisted the act ,that day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I think the readers, may guess!
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is soul school!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Who then, do I blame.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was in good health!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We all went to grammer schools
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im still living with it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was scared of men, in general
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He knew the spot.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
All the time i was locked up.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She wouldn,t have been !
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
When she asked me how she looked .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot live in the past .
But, we were locked up after school.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My family never makes their pension either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was very sick at this time too.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But ive been too sick for many years..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Was to survive, this bastard.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She married twice! .
Put me off passion for life!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Would this be the day?
It was going to be , some day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She loved him until the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Comes on , in middle age.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Ive learnt so much.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So whats the point in blame.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
What did i know ?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i lived it daily.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was seconnd youngest,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I write beautiful poetry .
As i do to all so called friends.?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.